Definitions
Marriage is a lifelong, all-encompassing bond of self-giving and other-receiving between one man and one woman separated only by death.
The purpose of every marriage is to reflect the unbreakable covenant of God to His people.
A marriage breaks when you misuse it to give you something that God has already given you.
Divorce is an amputation of your very self which is joined to another person.
Marriage, Divorce, and Singleness - Tim Keller
Divorce and Remarriage - Bret Hicks
What Is Marriage - Paul David Tripp
God, Marriage, and Children - John Piper
“Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God's holy ordinance, through which He wills to perpetuate the human race till the end of time. In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to His glory, and calls into His kingdom. In your love, you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal - it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison
“[Christians] all regard divorce as something like cutting up a body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment.”
C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity, p.105)
Misuses of Marriage that Break It
Used for enjoyment ('Upgrade the Model' mentality) - I get with someone younger, more success, more attractive, more connected. Everything here is transactional
Used for justification ('Holier Than Thou' mentality) - This is not for my sanctification, but for my justification. I am good because I’m not divorced. Stick together but have a corpse marriage (“Well, we didn't put it in writing.”). Everything here is centered on my need to justify myself.
Used for distraction ('Superman' mentality) - I exist in this relationship to save my spouse or be saved by them. Everything here is looking to my spouse as savior or me as the savior of my spouse
Used for outlet ('Pressure Release Valve' mentality) - Outlet of anger (“I'll take it out on you instead of others”). Outlet of control (“I'll control you”). Outlet of bitterness (“I'll bite and cut you down because I'm hurting”). Outlet of jealousy (“I'll take out my insecurity on you”). Everything here is centered on getting rid of my bad emotions.
Three Situations for Divorce
Abandonment (death of desire) - I cannot be self-giving
Abuse (death of safety) - I cannot be other-receiving
Physical sexual infidelity with another person (death of exclusivity) - I cannot be one man and woman
A Biblical Summary of Divorce
Marriage always ends in death (Gen 2:20–25, Rom 7:1-3)
Divorce was allowed to protect women in a polygamous society (Deut 24:1-4)
God refers to Himself as a divorcee (Jer 3:8) *
Cautions against divorce as a "violence" (Mal 2:10-16)
A lustful thought is adultery (Matt 5:27-30)
Divorce is adultery except for cases of fornication (Matt 5:31-32, 19:1-12; Mark 10:1-10)
Don't separate, but if you have to, remain unmarried or reconcile with the spouse (1 Cor. 7:10-11)
Don't divorce your spouse or your unbelieving spouse (1 Cor 7:10-14)
If your unbelieving spouse abandons your marriage and desires a divorce, then give it to them (1 Cor 7:15-16)
* God referring Himself as a divorcee is an example of prophetic metaphor and is not meant to be understood literally.
“Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce” - Elizabeth Marquardt
Grown children of divorce say no such thing as good divorce
Say they spent a lot of time alone
Say they feel emotional distance from parents
Children often pawns in struggle between parents
Even in amicable split, kids live in 2 worlds